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YOBWELL’S FOOTBALLERS STAGGERED onto the pitch an hour late Friday night for their grudge match with Surleigh after the club’s chartered coach was stranded for three hours on the notorious M375 “loop from hell.”
    The side found itself literally mired in traffic when a large lorry overturned and spilled its used cooking oil near Hanover Manor, causing trailing vehicles to slide into a massive slimy pileup.
    “We couldn’t get any traction whatsoever,” said captain Liam Hamstoke. “The lads got off and tried to push, but ended up falling down and getting quite mucked up.” Yobwell star centre half Bruce Sherlock unfortunately sustained a groin pull in the effort and had to be yanked from the lineup.
    After the match began, Yobwell’s troubles continued. Surleigh striker Denny Doorwort headed home a winner in the 24th minute as Yobwell goalkeeper Reggie Spift had his vision obscured by a glob of congealed oil dripping from his dreadlocks.
    Apparently in response to the Surleigh jeers, Spift then dropped his pants. “That’s nonsense,” he claimed later, saying he’d been struck on the hip by a foreign object. “I was only checking to see if there was a mark.”
    The Yobs rallied valiantly, equalising in the 58th minute on a penalty kick by sleek German import Horst Glock, but the rest of the second half was pure disaster, seeing two goals apiece struck by Surleigh midfield stalwarts Cyril Twoffley and Donald Ewart.
    Yobwell manager Reggie McCabe defended his side’s collapse, saying, “The lads were quite nauseous at the end. Throwing up all over the field and each other as time was running out. That cooking oil was nasty stuff. I’m feeling a bit off myself.”
    Hooliganism, which historically has marred Surleigh-Yobwell match-ups, was not in attendance Friday.
    Surleigh supporters looked across the pitch and found their Yob counterparts absent from the fray. It seems the visitors’ club bus got lost on the motorway and delivered the notoriously hard-drinking Yobblers to the wrong match.
    According to driver Thomas Sutherland, the rough-and-tumble lads were in a “highly confused state” when they staggered into an international friendly between top gay clubs representing Thailand and Brazil.
    “They were given a hugely warm welcome by both sides,” Sutherland said, “but really didn’t know what to make of the samba music and carnival atmosphere.”

A LOCAL PET LOVER is offering a cash reward for any information leading to the recovery of his family’s stolen pet Rottweiler, “Crunch,” which was taken from a farm in Flogway Down between 11:30 p.m. on Wednesday and 5:30 a.m. on Thursday.
    Owner Nigel Wanton is concerned for the thieves’ welfare. Crunch, who is about seven years old, “has a nasty temper,” he reports. “He’s a bit blind in the left eye, and if they approach him on that side, he’ll likely snap off an appendage. He’s only got three legs, so he’s sensitive on that topic as well, most particularly in the company of urinating dogs. He’s also not in the best of moods if not fed sufficiently,” he said.
    Then gravely added: “Frankly, I’m concerned about possible lawsuits.”
    To hasten the dog’s recovery, Wanton is prepared to “offer a modest reward to anyone able to give information leading to Crunch’s safe return, including the dognappers themselves.”
    He stated that if the abductors had already been bitten, he would be open to negotiating a lump settlement that would cover the ransom they presumably want, damages for any injuries suffered, and expenses the thieves may have incurred for Crunch’s care during his incarceration.
    “I’d like to avoid litigation at all costs,” Wanton said.

(The Journal will continue to follow this story. Look for an update tomorrow——Editor)



Excerpted from Lord Hanover's forthcoming memoirs, "My First Eighty Years at Manor House"——Editor)

WHEN I FIRST CONSIDER a painting, I endeavor to look behind whatever is being depicted on the surface.
    For in art, there can always be another realm that lies beyond the painted image, one that is alive with people and their stories—if only one knows how to truly see and hear them.
    Whether this other place emanates from the soul of the artist, or is engendered by the nature of the work, or springs from another origin entirely, I have never learned.
    I only know that some works reveal more hidden places than others. Therefore I am only rarely concerned with the painting itself, and instead focus on its ability to evoke that other world behind the canvas and the frame.
    This is the sole criterion for the art I place on the walls of Manor House.

The public is invited to the new MH exhibit opening tomorrow at 10:00 AM—Editor)
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